The biscuit industry were the only ones cheering as the Electoral Court examined evidence of fraud in the 2015 General Election in light of April’s judgement on Luftur Rahman, former mayor of Tower Hamlets.
With the spirit of the Tower Hamlets judgement applied to all elections in May 2015, most MPs, including the Prime Minister and all cabinet members, had their elections nullified under the Representation of the People Act (1983). The judgement is expected to be extended to all elected councils over the next few days.
As the repercussions of the different areas of the judgement cascaded through Westminster, it soon became clear that only one sitting MP would retain their seat – at which point the Queen phoned Eric Pickles. As Pickles arrived at Buckingham Palace in his austerity-busting taxpayer-funded new Jaguar, he was declared Prime Minister by the Queen to the cheers of selected newspaper correspondents.
How it Happened
It seem that as Mr Pickles went through the Rahman judgement point by point, his opportunities for “defending democracy” across the UK became clear. He declared that he was “confident” that he would be able to manage the country “on behalf of the Queen and her subjects” without a Cabinet or MPs. The four remaining MPs “could be hot desking at a former Capita office on the Isle of Man, leaving Capita to take over space at the palace of Westminster”
Spiritual Influence and Injury
The first victims of the law preventing spiritual influence in elections was Tony Blair . The 1998 Northern Ireland Act wrote into law that members elected to the new Northern Ireland Assembly had to have a “designation”. While not explicitly religious, any more than the war in the Six Counties was really about a theological dispute over transubstantiation, the designation of assembly members as “nationalist”, “unionist” or “others” was clearly linked to the Catholic and Protestant wings of Christianity. Furthermore, some preachers had a history of promoting particular candidates and some were, claimed Mr Pickle, “religious extremist fundamentalists with a connection to terrorism“.
Mr Pickles wrote to Mr Blair informing him he was to be removed from the electoral register.Mr Blair replied with brief note stating “I don’t care. Please send me a cheque for £30,000 as I now charge £10,000 per word“. Mr Pickles then extended the judgement to the hundreds of sitting MPs who had voted for the 1998 Act. Each was sacked as an MP, barred from office for life and removed from the electoral register.
Postal Voting Fraud
Mr Pickles declared that while this wasn’t proved in the Tower Hamlets case, it was grounds for barring. Dozens of historic cases of postal voting fraud were brought up by Richard Mawrey QC and the Parties involved in that constituency barred from office. Each constituency was investigated. Wherever an elector was on the register twice, often legitimately as a second home owner, and had voted twice, the election result was invalidated. This saw the sacking of dozens more MPs and their removal from the electoral register. “It doesn’t matter if just one person accidentally votes twice and that has no impact on the election. I’m here to uphold democracy” declared the Office for Pickle.
Intimidation at Polling Stations
While it is legal for political parties’ “tellers” to for electors’ numbers outside polling stations, almost every constituency saw complaints about tellers overstepping the mark. Sometimes voters complained about being turned away by tellers because they didn’t have their poll card. Others said there were sometimes more than one per party, or that they didn’t identify themselves, and a few voters said they felt intimidated. The Office for Pickle went through all such reports and acted on them. Anyone elected as MP where a voter felt intimidated was sacked, barred from office for life and removed from the electoral register. “Democracy is about free choice” declared Mr Pickle.
Bribery and Grants
The Office for Pickles looked into every incident of government policy that could possibly benefit a particular voting demographic. “It looks like a government for the 1%“, declared one Pickleist. “Because that 1% tend to vote for one party, then it’s undemocratic“. Any MP who had voted for any such legislation was sacked, barred from office for life, and removed from the electoral register. With those involved in any “cash for questions” scandals also sacked and barred,the number of MPs had by now been reduced to a handful.
Media Bias and Intimidation from Letting Agencies
The Tower Hamlets judgement “simultaneously says that the Bengali local press were naturally supportive of Lutfur, and that he bribed them to be so“. “Extend that to the 2015 election and we’ve got the lot” boasted one Picklesite.
The Election Court barrister sat through hours of news coverage presented to them by the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition. “Tusks are right”, said the judgement, “in their view that the media blackout meant that their candidates who otherwise might have won were only able to secure the votes of 0.37% of possible voters“. Any MPs elected where there was a Tusc candidate was sacked, barred for life, and removed from the electoral register.
The Office for Pickle announced that it expected more MPs to be sacked following the Ofcom judgement on TV bias in Tower Hamlets. But they would first have to watch or read every pre-election newspaper and local TV broadcast to determine whether they had promoted a particular Party or scaremongered about the policies of other Parties. Further judgement was expected on the practice of many landlord’s letting agencies. While most people in private rented accommodation didn’t vote, there were still complaints about emails from letting agencies like this:
“there is a very strong possibility that you, and thousands of other tenants, could lose your homes and find it almost impossible to source another rental property because the supply of good quality accommodation will dry up……..We urge you to fully consider the impact that Labour’s policies will not only have on the private rental sector nationwide but also to you and your family before deciding who to entrust with your vote on 7 May”
Preliminary investigations by the Parliamentary Office Of Pickles indicate that this practice was widespread and could invalidate the results of all non-Labour candidates.
With the Tower Hamlets judgement making it clear that lying about an opponent, calling them racist, or even calling them “racially insensitive” was illegal, the Office of Pickles was able to sack, bar and remove from the register the last few MPs not sacked due to the previous breaches of electoral law. “I’m shocked that politicians could accuse each other of being insensitive or even not telling the truth” declared Mr Pickles. “In the name of democracy, this has to stop”
“The Queen is content for me to remain as Prime Minister in the name of democracy” announced Mr Pickle.”We can now move forward together as one nation“. Mr Pickle declared that his first act would be to “extend the democracy we have brought to the trade unions right into the heart of our Great Democracy“. This would mean that as well as elections being held annually, any potential elector who wasn’t able to vote would be able to invalidate the whole election. Further legislation would ensure that an MP had to win at least 40% of all those entitled to register to vote. He dismissed complaints from the leaders of the two and a half main parties,who have issued a joint statement saying “40% is ridiculously high, and with it only taking one disenfranchised voter to make the result invalid, the laws are unworkable and we will have to break them…..”
Meanwhile, Sinn Fein have denied reports that they will take their 3 seats at Westminster, outvote the remaining MP, and declare the Queen and everyone else in the UK subjects of The Republic of Greater Ireland.
A note from Facing Reality
This article is not real. It is not intended as support for anything Lutfur Rahman has done. Nor do we pass judgement on the particulars of his case. (Critiques of the case are here, here, here, here and here) But we would like to see the same standards applied to all elections, and we would like to see trade unions and parliament abide by the same standards, including annual elections.